Sooo...We Have Twins on the Way

And we will have 5 children.

Potentially 5 GIRLS!!

We are over the moon excited and equally terrified.

This "let's have another one" journey has been long and confusing.  When I was pregnant with Caroline, I kept telling myself and telling others out loud that I was done.  We were finished.  No more babies for us.  I wanted that to be true.  I was overwhelmed at the thought of having two babies so close together, working, parenting, etc...it was easiest to state that we were done.  The problem is, I never felt those words in my heart.  It was a lie.  So, I kept praying for God to help me to feel complete, and to let go of the idea of more kids.  Praying and praying.  We don't need anything else in our lives.  Our family is wonderful the way it is.  Wanting another baby felt selfish and gluttonous in a weird way.  I felt embarrassed by it.  Meanwhile, Jeremy said he was done too.  So, that is the way we continued for a couple of years.

December 2012.  I don't remember the exact chain of events, but I do remember Jeremy stepping out of the shower, me doing some regular night time get ready for bed task, and he said,

"I want to have another one."

"What.  Me too.  Are you sure?"

2013 was the year of miscarriages.  Through a series of events, I had to have a D and C in March.  Then, in August, another miscarriage.  It was devastating.  Confusing.  Scary.  I felt shaken spiritually.  I couldn't pray.  I was so angry with God.  Why would He give me this feeling for more in our family, and then cruelly take them away.  I thought all the thoughts that are supposed to make you feel better when you miscarry.

"It's my body's way of dealing with an unhealthy pregnancy."

"It wasn't the right time."

But then came the other thoughts.  Should we give up trying?  Is this an answer to prayer?  But still that damn FEELING wouldn't go away.  This tug on my heart, panicky feeling when I thought of never...having...another...baby.

So we kept trying.  Not right away.  We gave ourselves time to grieve.  I shared my story with friends who prayed for me when I still couldn't.  I kept thinking that I needed to be in this sweet spot spiritually before my body would keep a baby.  That didn't happen.  When I found out I was pregnant in April.  I still didn't feel very close to God.  Still angry.  But the hold began to loosen.

We found out the week I would have delivered the baby we lost in August.

This baby would be due at Christmas.

This felt like sweet little whispers of hope that I hadn't felt from God in a long time.  But then came the fears and doubts.

Don't get too excited.

This gift could be taken too.

Around five weeks along, I woke up in the middle of the night completely gripped by FEAR.  I knew I was going to lose this baby.  My body hurt from the fear.  I took pads to school with me that day, just knowing it would happen.  It didn't.  That night, in my kitchen...it hit me.  My fear was robbing every ounce of joy that I could be feeling in this moment and time of hope.  Hope for a new baby.  Hope for the future.  I decided to let my fear go and allow joy.  Even though I knew that allowing joy and hope would make the ending more devastating.  But it felt wrong to live the current moment with fear of what could  be.

My first appointment was scheduled for May 29.  Later than usual at almost 10 weeks along.  I was terrified to call the doctor.  I was terrified of the ultrasound room.

May 29.  8:30 a.m.  I think I went to the bathroom 3 times while we were waiting.  I was in as peaceful of a place as I could be, but crazy anxious.  We stepped into the ultrasound room.  The tech asked us how we were doing.  Uh.  Loaded question.  But I kept it mostly together.

"We're a little anxious.  Our last two ultrasounds have been bad news.  We're just ready to know what is going on this time."

Then pops the grainy, confusing image up on the screen.  My eyes are frantically looking for that little pulse that means a heartbeat.

"Well, it looks like you're making up for lost time..."

"What?"

"Yes, baby 1 and baby 2..."

Jeremy was the first to respond with HOLY SHIT.

I have no idea what I said after that.  There was a lot of laughter, nervous smiles, and more laughing.  We laughed and laughed.  It was the craziest, happiest, most shocking, scary moment of my life so far.

And so here we are.  Still battling those moments of fear.  Fear that something will go wrong.  Fear that all will go right.  Fear.  But I'm trying so hard to choose joy and faith.  In the moment that I'm in.  I have no control over future moments.

And we are having twins.